A day with mixed feelings. Sad, happy, angry, jealousy. U name it.
It started out as a bad day. Even before I got out of bed, I had a quarrel with my mum. Not because I did something wrong, but because she scolded me for being still in bed at 8am! When I dun wake up, she will like SCREAM and go all mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ………. HELLO! ITS A HOLIDAY! What was she thinking about. And its not even Chinese new year, and here she is doing spring cleaning in my room. Emptying everything she can find in the cupboard and cleaning every crook and cranny of it. I hate it. I know she is cleaning the room, and that she is my mum. I must be filial to her whatsoever and not shout back at her. but I can’t really stand the fact that she has to keep scolding me even before I wake up. When I ask her why is she always scolding me, she will always say: 因为我看你不爽。
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臭施桦！起床！*must she use the word 臭on me and must she shout….
等一下啦…… alarm还没响……
管你响不响！我说起床就起床！*管我……
为什么……现在holiday 叻。我功课又要做完了，迟一点在起来啦。
Holiday 就很大啊！你到底要不要起床！？
起床就起床！为什么一定要骂我！
应为我看你不爽！
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She doesn’t say it in a playful tone! It’s the very cold type of feeling, like she really hates you to the core! And throughout the entire morning, whatever things I ask, she will NOT reply. I dun quite get it. I’m her daughter right? But why does she treat me as if I am a stranger? Whatever things I like to do, she will remove it away from me. Why? Just because 你看我不爽？holy crap. Can u like please tell me where I did wrong.
Sometimes, I just dun like staying in the same room with my mom because of her ultra mood swings. Yeah. I know its not filial yada yada… to talk bad about my mom. But I can’t really hold my anger well too. I ‘m still learning to cope with it. The good thing is I dun shout and scream and throw things around or even things away just in a moment of anger just like my mom. I’ll just hide in my room and try to think things through. But oh god. Can she like be as nice as other moms? Be more understanding please? I’m feeling quite sick with my flu and itchy throat and currently, more coughing, and I need more rest. And there she is giving me a cold shoulder because I did not wake up at 8.
And now, whose mother will remove the entire router from the cable modem and bring it out just to not let her 19 year old child use the internet other than mine? Its not like I’m a net addict and will die without the internet. But my pride is totally gone! Even when she wants to remove it and stop me from using, can she tell me first? And I only want to use the net for 1 hour today?!?!?!?!?! #%^%%^#*$^ I’m so not happy about it till I can write one entire essay on how I feel about her actions today.
This is so not me. I love my family a lot actually.
I like staying at home more than going out. But because of my mom’s temper and attitude towards me today, I actually prefer staying outside. So I went school to do my work instead when I can actually stay at home to do my hw.
Then the happy day started. Sad to say, Without my mom.
First day having fun with my nafa friends out of campus. Ken, Jaa, Mickey. After tech drawing in school, we went to play pool. Took a lot of pics of them in nice poses. Mickey, as usual, took the ultra funny picture with the same old peace sign everytime she takes pictures. Lol. Ken went of earlier, for a date with her girl friend… lolx. Lovey dovey…
Then went for free movie at great world city, cuz mickey works there and she has complimentary tics. *YAYS* we watched wall-e. To the rest, it’s a cute movie. The robot is funny and lovable. But to me, I actually feel that its quite heart-wrenching. This cute little robot with feelings, actually worked amongst a huge pile of rubbish with only a puny roach as a companion. He has to fix himself by himself *sounds funny I know, but he is a robot*, dig amongst the rubbish *as he was programmed*, and find ways to survive in the ultra dangerous world by himself. He has to face everything alone. I almost cried in the beginning when I saw the world he lives in. mickey and jaa found me ridiculous. Perhaps, I was just over-reacting.
On the way home, I had a heart to heart talk with mickey. A really nice chat where she pours out her troubles and I pour out mine. I shall not disclose what she and I said as it is really private. All I can say is ,
家家有本难念的经.
The conversation made me think a lot on my way home and even when I reach home. Even now.
Sometimes people have different personalities. Like 双重性格or something like that. I think about my family, my secondary school mates, jc mates. My secondary school mates and my mom especially. There are some people with such a personality. People suffer from depression. They attempt to commit suicide, cut their wrist, run away from home. U might not know it unless they tell u or u see it for urself. Sometimes, u can’t really tell that they are such people as they appear very lively and active when they are with u. Run away from home, cutting of wrist. I don’t know whether they are considered brave or not. For me, I would not dare to cut myself or even run away. I am scared. Scared of the pain and consequences of doing that. Or perhaps, I’m plainly “kia si”. As for my mom, she attempted to poison me and my sis and then commit suicide. But I do not know whether is that for real or not. Because she did it in front of my father. Like pour bleach into me and my sis’s drinks right in front of my father’s eyes, knowing that he is looking at her. Its rather dramatic. Perhaps my mom was suffering from depression. I do not know. We did ask her to see a doctor before but she strongly rejected. Anyways, that incident happened a few years ago. She seems okay now other then occasional “为什么我还没死。” or “我想死。”. Now that my pa might be losing his job, she seems to be in serious mood swings again. How?
Mickey also said that I’m a girl who goes for a normal life. Goes school, graduate, look for a nice job, look for a nice husband, give birth, grow old, die. Do I really yearn for such a lifestyle? I’m okay with the first few things. But die? I don’t know. I’m scared of death. Where will I be after that? Is there really such a thing as a soul? Will i be in heaven or hell? Or will I just be in a deep sleep forever. It feels weird to just vanish like that into thin air. It feels…….. empty. Argh. I sound so…how should I put it? Philosophical? Hmmm…I shouldn’t think about it yet. I want a fruitful life actually.
Mickey also said that I am a girl who does not hide what I feel. True! I was actually quite happy when she said that. ^^ yeah. I just feel that we should be truthful to ourselves. 我们要用一颗真诚的心对待自己以及每一个人，不是吗？
开心的时候就笑。
伤心的时候就哭。
生气的时候就表现出来。
为什么要隐藏自己真正的心情。
这样会有什么好处。
只不过，我们需要学会控制自己的情绪。
不要压抑自己的感情，而是要学会控制它。
压抑着自己的情绪只会弄得你更难过而已。
最后，也只会造成更严重的伤害。
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Why do I sound so emo today? Hmmm….
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